It was only just a dream.

I came home from work early today. My daughter is having problems with as of a few days ago officially her ex. He decided he wanted to try to get custody of their daughter. Simply a way not to pay child support! It's crazy!  Wel I was so tired from the night before I came and took a nap. In my dream I was down stairs in my basement. How come when you dream about your house in your dream you know your at home. But...... It looks nothing like your home in real life??  Anyways in my dream my husband came downstairs I wanted to hug him so tight and never let go. But seconds after I saw him I started waking up. I wanted to stay in my dream and hold him but that did not happen. Waking up to reality hurts so bad. The chance of this life being a dream is slowly fading away. It's been 9-1/2 months now. So I'm pretty sure it's real....... 😭

Anger??

I feel like maybe I'm getting angry. I'm not mad at anyone. Especially not God!  I could never be angry at him. I was so very blessed for so many years. So well protected. I should've not had the life I did. I went through a time where I was not a very good person. Not a good mother. Not a good wife. Not really a good anything. It was all about me. All about what I wanted. What made me feel good. Didn't matter if it hurt anyone else.  My husband was battling his own demons too!  But then God reached out to me where I was and pulled me back to his arms and it changed my life. And it changed my husbands life too. I'm so very thankful for that. I now known where my husband is. I know that someday we will be together in eternity. That comforts me. Knowing that he is no longer in pain. He can run like he's wanted to do for so long. Wow!  I just realized that thanks to God this took a very different turn. It sure doesn't sound like I'm angry. I have not reach the stage of acceptance. That's where I need to go! 

I feel so alone.

I am lonely and I feel like I'm all alone. My other half is gone. My partner. My best friend. I fell so lost. There is not one single person in this world right now that can fill that void. What do people do? How do they survive the emptiness?  I know God is supposed to fill that void and maybe I'm not allowing him to I don't know. I feel like I'm lost in a dark forest. Never to be found again. Why do we always take so many things for granted. Why don't we listen when people say your never promised tomorrow. Why don't have this huge knot in my throat and I feel like I'm gonna choke on it!  When will this all end?  Will I ever really be happy again?? Right now I'm not so sure?...........

Happy 4th!!??

Today is not a holiday for me. I know its Independence Day for America but for me it's just another day off. Another day to be sad and alone. Another day to fully understand that the man I love is no longer here and my life right now isn't anything I want it to be!  I'm so empty. So sad so alone. I'm surrounded by complete emptiness. Yes I have my kids thank God so much for that and my grandkids bring me so much Joy. They have their families. They have their own lives. I miss you so very much my love. My life without you sucks!! 

Is this all really a dream?

Sometimes I think this is not really happening. I think this is all some really big nightmare that I'm dreaming. I think this isn't the way it's gonna be. I will wake up and realize that it was a horrible horrible nightmare.  It's been 8-1/2 months and I would swear that this is not my life. I will not live another 20 + years without the man I have been with for the last 40 years. I look around my house and I think there is no way this is how this ends. There is no way I have to go on like this. No way that the man I promised the rest of my life to till death do us part is over!?  This didn't really happen. It can't be! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Today wasn't the worst day!

I can't really bring myself to say today was a good day!?  How could I?  I lost my husband of almost 37 years. It's gonna be a very long time till I can honestly say that. I miss him so very bad. I still can't imagine going the rest of this worldly life without him!  How??  I actually started crying today at Costco. Who does that? Me that's who!  It's so very sad to go places we used to go together and know that he won't ever go there again with me!  Hearing people talk about grilling out and knowing I will never get to eat the food he cooked for me ever again.  It hurts my heart. I got back yesterday from a women's conference. It was pretty amazing I really enjoyed it.  I need to go to bed it's very late. I hope I get some good sleep tonight.  It's pretty hard to come by these days. 

A grief letter to my family and friends

So they recommend in my griefshare class that I write a letter and give it to my family and friends. Not sure if I will give it to them but I need to write one none the less. So...... Here is how I feel. I have lost all my future. All my hopes dissinagrated when Ed left this world. We were just waiting for the time to come when it was finally our time!  We could do what we wanted to do. Which would've been travel and spend time with our grandbabies. That was our favorite thing to do! You often hear about people that had to work till they die and you never want it to be you! Especially since he always worked so hard. His goal in life really was to please other people! He was my rock. He was who I went to for comfort and support. My comfort is no longer here. I'm not comfortable at home at work at church pretty much anywhere without him!  I do find comfort with my kids and family and my new griefshare friends. But I know now my only true comfort can come from the Lord. I have to put my hopes and dreams into eternity with my love, like we always planned.  We are never promised tomorrow. I took so many things for granted. I want to wake up from this nightmare and tell him I'm sorry that I spent some of my time playing my stupid game instead of talking to him. I thought he would always be here with me. If I could give you all one piece of advice it would be don't take a single day with the ones you love for granted. In an instant it can all me taken away. Im sorry things were so weird after he was gone. It was hard being around so many people that reminded me of what I no longer had. What I would never have again. It's still hard going to places that he was always with me. I want you to never ever feel it's not ok to talk about him. About how loved he was. How missed he is. It's ok to make me cry. He was a huge part of everyone's life and always will be.  If I'm quiet yes it's because I'm sad because he's not there with me. It's hard to talk about my feelings. No one can do anything at all to make me feel better but that's ok. I'm done for now. I may write more later. I'm going to try to sleep some more now. 

Today is not a good day!!

I'm having a really hard day today!  I'm beating myself up for taking my husband for granted!  He would get upset with me all the time for playing hay day on my phone!  I would tell him that I have talked to you for the last 36 years!  We didn't need to talk all the time!  Why was i so selfish?  Why did I take for granted he would always be here??  Why is he not here so I can tell him how sorry I am?  I want him back here with me!  I miss him so much!  Life is so unfair sometimes I won't take things for granted anymore!  I can't. We never know what the future holds!! Life is so precious!! So a lot of crying going on today but such is my story right now! Maybe someday I can forgive myself for being selfish and taking him for granted?  Life without you will never be the same!  You were my soulmate. The one God created for me!  Thank you God for giving me the best father to my kids I could ever ask for! 

Oh so many sleepless nights

I've always has issues with sleep but now it's gotten so much worse. I hate that he's not here with me. That he won't ever be here with me. I miss him so much. I'm still struggling to realize this Is really happening. All the future hopes and dreams are gone forever. Why is this happening?  When will this nightmare end?    It's not supposed to be like this! These are questions I ask myself. I know with the love of God I have  a future in him. 

Jeremiah 29:11New International Version (NIV)—AMU— AMU   —AR— ERV-AR NAV   —AWA— ERV-AWA   —BG— BG1940 BULG ERV-BG BPB   —CCO— CCO   —CEB— APSD-CEB   —CHR— CHR   —CKW— CKW   —CS— B21 SNC   —CY— BWM   —DA— BPH DN1933   —DE— HOF LUTH1545 NGU-DE SCH1951 SCH2000   —EN— KJ21 ASV AMP AMPC BRG CEB CJB CEV DARBY DLNT DRA ERV ESV ESVUK EXB GNV GW GNT HCSB ICB ISV PHILLIPS JUB KJV AKJV LEB TLB MSG MEV MOUNCE NOG NABRE NASB NCV NET NIRV NIV NIVUK NKJV NLV NLT NRSV NRSVA NRSVACE NRSVCE OJB RSV RSVCE TLV VOICE WEB WE WYC YLT   —ES— LBLA DHH JBS NBD NBLH NTV NVI CST PDT BLP BLPH RVA-2015 RVC RVR1960 RVR1977 RVR1995 RVA TLA   —FI— R1933   —FR— BDS LSG NEG1979 SG21   —GRC— TR1550 WHNU TR1894 SBLGNT   —HE— HHH WLC   —HI— ERV-HI   —HIL— HLGN   —HR— HNZ-RI CRO   —HT— HCV   —HU— KAR ERV-HU NT-HU   —HWC— HWP   —IS— ICELAND   —IT— BDG CEI LND NR1994 NR2006   —JAC— JAC   —KEK— KEK   —LA— VULGATE   —MI— MAORI   —MK— MNT   —MR— ERV-MR   —MVC— MVC   —MVJ— MVJ   —NDS— REIMER   —NE— ERV-NE   —NGU— NGU   —NL— HTB   —NO— DNB1930 LB   —OR— ERV-OR   —PA— ERV-PA   —PL— NP SZ-PL UBG   —PPL— NBTN   —PT— ARC NTLH NVI-PT OL VFL   —QU— MTDS   —QUT— QUT   —RO— RMNN NTLR   —RU— NRT CARS CARST CARSA ERV-RU RUSV   —SK— NPK   —SO— SOM   —SQ— ALB   —SR— ERV-SR   —SV— SVL SV1917 SFB SFB2014   —SW— SNT   —TA— ERV-TA   —TH— TNCV ERV-TH   —TL— ADB1905 SND   —TWI— NA-TWI   —UK— UKR ERV-UK   —UR— ERV-UR   —USP— USP   —VI— VIET BD2011 NVB BPT   —ZH— CCB ERV-ZH CNVS CNVT CSBS CSBT CUVS CUV CUVMPS CUVMPT  11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Happy Valentine's Day to me! 😢

I thought today would be ok. We never did anything special for Valentine's Day usually he would bring me flowers and sometimes a card but nothing major. So I thought it wouldn't be that bad. I went by to take a little gift to one of my grandsons and on the way waze took me on a totally different route then usual and i ended up passing by the high school we met at. And then after I left there I went by the church we got married in 37 years ago! Talk about a stab to the heart!  That really hurt made me miss him even more!

So there is my Valentine's Day present heartache and misery!  Thanks Cupid!! Luckily I am with my granddaughter and we are gonna be babysitting my other grandson tonight so that should keep me busy!  

Another day all alone

If my husband was still here we would've been out of the house by now. Probably went somewhere for breakfast that was something we both liked to do!  Just get up and go! Ride see the country look at antiques. That was a typical weekend day for us. Instead I'm here sitting in my bed watching tv not wanting to do anything all alone!! This is my new normal and I hate it! 

How did I get here?

I still can't believe this is my new life!?  So I guess I should start from the beginning. Met my husband in 9th grade. He was a jr. We were together for a little over a year then my family moved to Texas. We managed to hold on and stay together and in 1978 6 months after he graduated from high school. I was still in 10th grade I ran away from home. And when I say ran away I really ran away left Texas and flew to Virginia. 2 weeks later after being 17 for 11 days we were married. I thought I knew everything! Almost 2 years later we had our first baby. She was amazing. I always wanted kids and she was the best baby anyone could ever wish for. She was beautiful and so good she hardly ever cried. Things were good!  3 years later along come #2 daughter and last but certainly not least almost 4 years later #3 our son. We had a pretty good life.  There were problems but there was always lots of love!  So ffd to 2015. We have been married 36 years each one of our kids have a kid and life isn't bad. Empty nesters living life enjoying the time we have together. He over the last 5 years had started having knee problems. After getting both knees scoped 2011 & 2012 then 2014 1st knee replacement then January of 2015 2nd knee. In August of 2015 had to take him to the hospital for  an infection in the replacement joint. After a week stay in the hospital and emergency surgery to clean out the infection. He was sent home with a central line and IV antibiotics  and oral ones also. 5 weeks later another trip to the ER he started having an allergic reaction to the medication. He had a rash that was starting on his back and legs. After another weeks stay in the hospital treating the rash he was sent home. Things still were not right. He was weak couldn't eat took him back to the ER a couple of days later because he couldn't sleep. Could not relax or rest what so ever. 2 days after that took him to the dr because he was so weak. The dr on duty said he was doing ok. Just try some protein shakes or something.  3 a.m had to call an ambulance.  He starting passing out scariest thing ever!!  When the paramedics got here his bp was like 80/40. Took him to our local hospital. After about 2 weeks he was transferred by ambulance to a university hospital. He had some good days and some bad. But on 10-14-2015. I lost him. The cause of death was pneumonia. During the hospital stay they determined he was having an allergic reaction on his internal organs also. So here I am 4 months later crying as I'm writing this. Because it's Friday. The weekend is starting he should be here with me with me! This is our night. We usually would go out to dinner on Friday. But here I am ALL ALONE CRYING. life isn't fair sometimes. I miss my life partner. He should be here with me!!  I miss him so much!! My heart is broken!! So this is my new normal??  I need to push the reset button and start over. This isn't how my life is supposed to be right now. I turned 54 In Dec had to do that our anniversary and his birthday without him. WHY??