Is this all really a dream?

Sometimes I think this is not really happening. I think this is all some really big nightmare that I'm dreaming. I think this isn't the way it's gonna be. I will wake up and realize that it was a horrible horrible nightmare.  It's been 8-1/2 months and I would swear that this is not my life. I will not live another 20 + years without the man I have been with for the last 40 years. I look around my house and I think there is no way this is how this ends. There is no way I have to go on like this. No way that the man I promised the rest of my life to till death do us part is over!?  This didn't really happen. It can't be! 😭😭😭😭😭😭