How did I get here?

I still can't believe this is my new life!?  So I guess I should start from the beginning. Met my husband in 9th grade. He was a jr. We were together for a little over a year then my family moved to Texas. We managed to hold on and stay together and in 1978 6 months after he graduated from high school. I was still in 10th grade I ran away from home. And when I say ran away I really ran away left Texas and flew to Virginia. 2 weeks later after being 17 for 11 days we were married. I thought I knew everything! Almost 2 years later we had our first baby. She was amazing. I always wanted kids and she was the best baby anyone could ever wish for. She was beautiful and so good she hardly ever cried. Things were good!  3 years later along come #2 daughter and last but certainly not least almost 4 years later #3 our son. We had a pretty good life.  There were problems but there was always lots of love!  So ffd to 2015. We have been married 36 years each one of our kids have a kid and life isn't bad. Empty nesters living life enjoying the time we have together. He over the last 5 years had started having knee problems. After getting both knees scoped 2011 & 2012 then 2014 1st knee replacement then January of 2015 2nd knee. In August of 2015 had to take him to the hospital for  an infection in the replacement joint. After a week stay in the hospital and emergency surgery to clean out the infection. He was sent home with a central line and IV antibiotics  and oral ones also. 5 weeks later another trip to the ER he started having an allergic reaction to the medication. He had a rash that was starting on his back and legs. After another weeks stay in the hospital treating the rash he was sent home. Things still were not right. He was weak couldn't eat took him back to the ER a couple of days later because he couldn't sleep. Could not relax or rest what so ever. 2 days after that took him to the dr because he was so weak. The dr on duty said he was doing ok. Just try some protein shakes or something.  3 a.m had to call an ambulance.  He starting passing out scariest thing ever!!  When the paramedics got here his bp was like 80/40. Took him to our local hospital. After about 2 weeks he was transferred by ambulance to a university hospital. He had some good days and some bad. But on 10-14-2015. I lost him. The cause of death was pneumonia. During the hospital stay they determined he was having an allergic reaction on his internal organs also. So here I am 4 months later crying as I'm writing this. Because it's Friday. The weekend is starting he should be here with me with me! This is our night. We usually would go out to dinner on Friday. But here I am ALL ALONE CRYING. life isn't fair sometimes. I miss my life partner. He should be here with me!!  I miss him so much!! My heart is broken!! So this is my new normal??  I need to push the reset button and start over. This isn't how my life is supposed to be right now. I turned 54 In Dec had to do that our anniversary and his birthday without him. WHY??