Anger??

I feel like maybe I'm getting angry. I'm not mad at anyone. Especially not God!  I could never be angry at him. I was so very blessed for so many years. So well protected. I should've not had the life I did. I went through a time where I was not a very good person. Not a good mother. Not a good wife. Not really a good anything. It was all about me. All about what I wanted. What made me feel good. Didn't matter if it hurt anyone else.  My husband was battling his own demons too!  But then God reached out to me where I was and pulled me back to his arms and it changed my life. And it changed my husbands life too. I'm so very thankful for that. I now known where my husband is. I know that someday we will be together in eternity. That comforts me. Knowing that he is no longer in pain. He can run like he's wanted to do for so long. Wow!  I just realized that thanks to God this took a very different turn. It sure doesn't sound like I'm angry. I have not reach the stage of acceptance. That's where I need to go! 

I feel so alone.

I am lonely and I feel like I'm all alone. My other half is gone. My partner. My best friend. I fell so lost. There is not one single person in this world right now that can fill that void. What do people do? How do they survive the emptiness?  I know God is supposed to fill that void and maybe I'm not allowing him to I don't know. I feel like I'm lost in a dark forest. Never to be found again. Why do we always take so many things for granted. Why don't we listen when people say your never promised tomorrow. Why don't have this huge knot in my throat and I feel like I'm gonna choke on it!  When will this all end?  Will I ever really be happy again?? Right now I'm not so sure?...........

Happy 4th!!??

Today is not a holiday for me. I know its Independence Day for America but for me it's just another day off. Another day to be sad and alone. Another day to fully understand that the man I love is no longer here and my life right now isn't anything I want it to be!  I'm so empty. So sad so alone. I'm surrounded by complete emptiness. Yes I have my kids thank God so much for that and my grandkids bring me so much Joy. They have their families. They have their own lives. I miss you so very much my love. My life without you sucks!!