It was only just a dream.

I came home from work early today. My daughter is having problems with as of a few days ago officially her ex. He decided he wanted to try to get custody of their daughter. Simply a way not to pay child support! It's crazy!  Wel I was so tired from the night before I came and took a nap. In my dream I was down stairs in my basement. How come when you dream about your house in your dream you know your at home. But...... It looks nothing like your home in real life??  Anyways in my dream my husband came downstairs I wanted to hug him so tight and never let go. But seconds after I saw him I started waking up. I wanted to stay in my dream and hold him but that did not happen. Waking up to reality hurts so bad. The chance of this life being a dream is slowly fading away. It's been 9-1/2 months now. So I'm pretty sure it's real....... 😭

Anger??

I feel like maybe I'm getting angry. I'm not mad at anyone. Especially not God!  I could never be angry at him. I was so very blessed for so many years. So well protected. I should've not had the life I did. I went through a time where I was not a very good person. Not a good mother. Not a good wife. Not really a good anything. It was all about me. All about what I wanted. What made me feel good. Didn't matter if it hurt anyone else.  My husband was battling his own demons too!  But then God reached out to me where I was and pulled me back to his arms and it changed my life. And it changed my husbands life too. I'm so very thankful for that. I now known where my husband is. I know that someday we will be together in eternity. That comforts me. Knowing that he is no longer in pain. He can run like he's wanted to do for so long. Wow!  I just realized that thanks to God this took a very different turn. It sure doesn't sound like I'm angry. I have not reach the stage of acceptance. That's where I need to go! 

I feel so alone.

I am lonely and I feel like I'm all alone. My other half is gone. My partner. My best friend. I fell so lost. There is not one single person in this world right now that can fill that void. What do people do? How do they survive the emptiness?  I know God is supposed to fill that void and maybe I'm not allowing him to I don't know. I feel like I'm lost in a dark forest. Never to be found again. Why do we always take so many things for granted. Why don't we listen when people say your never promised tomorrow. Why don't have this huge knot in my throat and I feel like I'm gonna choke on it!  When will this all end?  Will I ever really be happy again?? Right now I'm not so sure?...........

Happy 4th!!??

Today is not a holiday for me. I know its Independence Day for America but for me it's just another day off. Another day to be sad and alone. Another day to fully understand that the man I love is no longer here and my life right now isn't anything I want it to be!  I'm so empty. So sad so alone. I'm surrounded by complete emptiness. Yes I have my kids thank God so much for that and my grandkids bring me so much Joy. They have their families. They have their own lives. I miss you so very much my love. My life without you sucks!! 

Is this all really a dream?

Sometimes I think this is not really happening. I think this is all some really big nightmare that I'm dreaming. I think this isn't the way it's gonna be. I will wake up and realize that it was a horrible horrible nightmare.  It's been 8-1/2 months and I would swear that this is not my life. I will not live another 20 + years without the man I have been with for the last 40 years. I look around my house and I think there is no way this is how this ends. There is no way I have to go on like this. No way that the man I promised the rest of my life to till death do us part is over!?  This didn't really happen. It can't be! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Today wasn't the worst day!

I can't really bring myself to say today was a good day!?  How could I?  I lost my husband of almost 37 years. It's gonna be a very long time till I can honestly say that. I miss him so very bad. I still can't imagine going the rest of this worldly life without him!  How??  I actually started crying today at Costco. Who does that? Me that's who!  It's so very sad to go places we used to go together and know that he won't ever go there again with me!  Hearing people talk about grilling out and knowing I will never get to eat the food he cooked for me ever again.  It hurts my heart. I got back yesterday from a women's conference. It was pretty amazing I really enjoyed it.  I need to go to bed it's very late. I hope I get some good sleep tonight.  It's pretty hard to come by these days. 

A grief letter to my family and friends

So they recommend in my griefshare class that I write a letter and give it to my family and friends. Not sure if I will give it to them but I need to write one none the less. So...... Here is how I feel. I have lost all my future. All my hopes dissinagrated when Ed left this world. We were just waiting for the time to come when it was finally our time!  We could do what we wanted to do. Which would've been travel and spend time with our grandbabies. That was our favorite thing to do! You often hear about people that had to work till they die and you never want it to be you! Especially since he always worked so hard. His goal in life really was to please other people! He was my rock. He was who I went to for comfort and support. My comfort is no longer here. I'm not comfortable at home at work at church pretty much anywhere without him!  I do find comfort with my kids and family and my new griefshare friends. But I know now my only true comfort can come from the Lord. I have to put my hopes and dreams into eternity with my love, like we always planned.  We are never promised tomorrow. I took so many things for granted. I want to wake up from this nightmare and tell him I'm sorry that I spent some of my time playing my stupid game instead of talking to him. I thought he would always be here with me. If I could give you all one piece of advice it would be don't take a single day with the ones you love for granted. In an instant it can all me taken away. Im sorry things were so weird after he was gone. It was hard being around so many people that reminded me of what I no longer had. What I would never have again. It's still hard going to places that he was always with me. I want you to never ever feel it's not ok to talk about him. About how loved he was. How missed he is. It's ok to make me cry. He was a huge part of everyone's life and always will be.  If I'm quiet yes it's because I'm sad because he's not there with me. It's hard to talk about my feelings. No one can do anything at all to make me feel better but that's ok. I'm done for now. I may write more later. I'm going to try to sleep some more now.